I Tried Colonics and Lived to Tell About It
A decade-old health kick led me to try the hydrotherapy craze known as colonics. Three booty irrigations later and this is my story.
I was young, curious, open-minded, and health-conscious. Twenty year old me had recently gone from eating meat, to being a vegetarian, to becoming a full-blown vegan. I was up for trying new and exciting methods to improve my health, and it was right around this time (a little more than a decade ago) that the colonics craze was spreading like wildfire among Hollywood A-listers.
Droves of celebs were lining up to have their colons irrigated, and they weren’t afraid to let it be known. Back then, their open praise for the booty blasting procedure made the taboo idea of having a therapist stick a lubricated speculum, erm, “up there” a little less crazy. And being the slightly impressionable (okay, super impressional) health nut that I was, I hightailed it to the nearest colonic hydrotherapy center.
Before I get to the down-and-dirty part of my experience, I thought I’d mention that colon hydrotherapy is a personal choice, but is one that some physicians actually advise against. What I’m trying to say is that, should you choose to partake in colonics, it’s best to do so in an informed and educated way at a reputable spa. If you have any preexisting health conditions, it’s always wise to clear it with your doctor first. Plus, the results you experience will vary from person to person. Some claim to feel lighter, healthier, and cleaner with lots of immediate and long-term health benefits, while other published studies have linked colonics to the reason for some unfortunate emergency room visits.
So, as I was saying. I walked into the ReNew Life Clinic in Clearwater, Florida, and was immediately impressed by the super-clean-yet-not-in-a-sterile-way atmosphere. The office was inviting and there wasn’t another person in sight, which is nice because colonics is sorta like heading down to your local sex shop — you need more lube, but you don’t exactly want to run into your mom’s next door neighbor.
Bonnie Barrett, the owner of ReNew Life Clinic and first-hand colonics user and success story, actually made me feel pretty relaxed. Once I shimmied out of my pants and slid under the blanket, I was able to lie down on a comfy, hospital-style bed and remained on my side throughout the hour-long procedure, which was kinda nice since I was able to face away from the complete stranger who was about to become well acquainted with my butthole.
Unlike the crazy, hi-tech, otherworldly, abducted-and-probed-by-aliens kinda contraption I was expecting to encounter, the colonics machine wasn’t really all that intimidating. In fact, it was quiet and discreet. I never saw one speck of poop, which was a quadruple plus in my book. As for the speculum, or disposable tip that gets inserted between the cheeks, it was small (thank gawd) and lubricated prior to insertion. I’m pretty certain I was told to relax, although I don’t actually remember that part since I was bracing myself for impact, but all in all, putting the speculum in place was painless and not the traumatizing experience most think it will be.
When you have a colonic, somewhere around 30 gallons of purified water are infused into the rectum. The theory is that the built-up fecal matter (ew) and toxins are expelled, leading to regular bowel movements, weight loss, and detoxification. As the nearly body-temp water was whooshing in and out of my body, Barrett continuously massaged my stomach to move the expelling process along. This didn’t stop the cramps from coming, nor did it help the overwhelming feeling of having to poop, but I made it through the process. I’m not gonna lie, it was kinda uncomfortable, but never, ever painful.
I spent several minutes using the squatty potty afterwards, which is said to be a dream if you ever have difficulty with hemorrhoids or pooping in general, to eliminate the remaining water and stuff from my colonic. Immediately after, the first thing I noticed was how empty I felt and how flat my stomach was. I ended up going back two more times before calling it quits.
Yes, my skin was glowing (or at least that’s what people told me), and I did feel pretty good, but, honestly, it continued long after the sessions were through. Not only was I a young twenty-something, I also consumed zero dairy or meat as a vegan, which hindsight tells me was probably the real culprit behind feeling healthier and looking better. Besides, I was a busy college student back then, which made finding time for colonics, or anything outside of studying, the real pain in the ass.
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