11 Signs You’re Totally Dating a Man-Child
Neon flashing signs that you’re kinda sorta totally dating a man-child. Good luck with that.
I’ve been on the fence about having kids for so long that my uterus has cobwebs in it. The day I (almost) decided I didn’t want to have kids was the day I realized I was dating one. Urban Dictionary defines a man-child as “A child who outwardly appears like an adult—conventionally this means a full-grown male that acts immaturely, or pursues childish interests.” And boy did he ever. All I needed was one of those “Romper Room” mirrors and I was set.
Admittedly, I played a huge role in encouraging common man-child behavior, though I didn’t know it at the time—and maybe you are too. Here, 11 signs you’re dating a man-child:
1. He never thinks about the future
But he sure does love to talk about it. Man-children have this pesky habit of sporadically acting like they’re ambitious and have lofty goals in life by sounding off about them as vaguely as possible… while smoking a joint. Pretty sure you’re not going to get anywhere managing a bowling alley, dude.
2. He gets in trouble (like, a lot)
When he isn’t being stopped for speeding, he’s getting a ticket for being drunk in public, or giving you a call post-bar fight. At 4 a.m. From the emergency room.
3. He never takes the blame
Even when you have legitimate physical proof that he’s done something wrong, he’ll twist everything around so that he’s the victim, then finish off his Oscar-winning performance with his orphan face. You know the one I’m talking about.
4. He always tries to win arguments
Real men know this isn’t possible.
5. He can’t fix anything
Not that he has to build you a house like McDreamy or anything, but he should be able to install a new towel rack (especially since he’s the one who broke it) without bursting into tears. Or be employed long enough to hire someone to install it.
6. Cleaning? Puh-lease
There’s your version of clean, then there’s his version of clean—and since his version of clean requires you to clean once he’s done anyway, why bother?
7. If he’s not playing video games, he’s not conscious
Good lawd, the video games. He has more conversations with an 11-year-old living in another state than he does you.
8. He’s passive aggressive
It’s the man-child version of a temper tantrum: He doesn’t get his way, so he shuts down and finds subtle ways to make your life difficult. Buy him some Pampers and call it a day.
9. He doesn’t take care of you
When he’s sick, he’s a big effing baby about it. When you’re sick, he’s a big effing baby about it. Even though you’re the one with food poisoning and fluids spewing out from every direction, you’re somehow the one comforting him and catering to his needs—or he leaves you high and dry until the virus passes. So thoughtful.
10. He’s all about sex… and basically nothing else
Make-up sex is great and everything, but man-children don’t seem to understand the concept that in order to have make-up sex, a resolution has to come to pass. Otherwise, we’re just handing over our dignity.
11. He’s an anchor
If you’re a fraction of the woman you used to be and he’s the reason, run. Run as fast as you fucking can.
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Man-child image via Shutterstock